What Really is Emotional Intelligence?
Some thoughts on the art of self mastery
Although the term “Emotional Intelligence” is often used with regard to successful (mainly peaceful and happy) life, its true definition or concept still seems ambiguous or enigmatic. However, in simple words, it can be explained as having a mature attitude or “emotional maturity.” And in spite of assertion that the two concepts (i.e. emotional intelligence and emotional maturity) are not the same and convey different meanings, they both are equally essential for successful life in a sense that one is a foundation that requires building upon the latter.
For instance, “Emotional Intelligence” is defined as the understanding of human emotions — your own and those to whom you relate, while hallmark of emotional maturity is how we choose to handle our emotions constructively when faced with diverse scenarios or having characteristics including patience, adaptability, humility, and an eagerness to learn from others. But both, at least, seem to underline or emphasize one crucial point: one should never be overwhelmed by their own emotions and react in a destructive manner.
Thus maturity and intelligence have close connection if not one and the same thing.
Poet, philosopher and author or the famous book, “Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment, and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words” David Whyte explicates emotional intelligence or maturity in a wider context:
“Maturity is the ability to live fully and equally in multiple contexts.”
Although, like happiness, it also requires early education, consistent relearning, and unrelenting practice, but to some comes naturally.
But the problem for most of us, as Alain de Botton (a Swiss-born British author and public speaker) argues, is that “we are as clever with our machines and technologies as we are simple-minded in the management of our emotions.”
In other words, real testimony of our intelligence is not that how clever we are with lifeless or dead things like computer, video games, or math problems but how much we have the ability to understand and manage our emotions or able to tolerate stress and negative feelings without letting them dictate our actions.
Moreover, as some psychologist point out, developing Emotional Intelligence is step one and developing Emotional Maturity is step two. You can’t have Emotional Maturity without first developing Emotional Intelligence.
Thus we can say that Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Maturity are like knowledge and wisdom. Those terms are also used interchangeably — as in order to have wisdom, one must first obtain knowledge.
Regardless, the key in every challenging situation is to remain clam and composed without any reaction. It is not the reaction that solves the problem but action or more precisely a meaningful and thoughtful action. While emotional immaturity can result in poor decision making skills emotional maturity, on the other hand, can prove very beneficial as it provides a solid support for conflict resolution or management without indulging in volatile behaviors devoid of empathy towards others.
To illustrate my point, I would like to share wonderful tale of wisdom that might really hit home:
Candle Cooked Dinner
One day Mullah Nasruddin Hodja (a 13th century’s witty and wise trickster or character in the folklore of the Muslim world and protagonist in humorous short stories and satirical anecdotes teaching a great lesson) and his friends were indulging a gossip in a local coffee house. Boasting about his energetic and youthful life Mullah claimed that he didn’t care about cold weather and could even stay, if necessary, all night outside without warm clothes. And they made a bet. Hodja was going to stay outside all night long and endure the chilly October cold without a coat or a fire.
If Nasruddin Hodja could stand all night in open and bear the cold without cheating, then his friends were supposed to treat him to a nice dinner. However, if he failed to do so and did quit before the day light or tried to deceive his friends, then he would be the one to prepare a good meal for his friends.
That very night Hodja went outside to stand in the open without any fire nearby or warm clothes on his body. However, after few hours as the night turned darker the weather turned really cold he started to shiver and his fingers turned numb. Feeling so cold, he started to contemplate giving up but remained steadfast and stood there till sunrise despite the bitter cold.
The next morning he ran to meet his friends to announce his victory. He told them that ‘how he had managed to stay outside until the day break.’ Hodja’s friends, however, were not willing to lose a good dinner, and thus refused to accept defeat.
“As a matter of fact, you You were not supposed to resort to any help,” said one of them. “At about midnight, just before I was going to bed, I saw a burning candle near a window inside a house about some three hundred meters away from where you were standing and it kept you warm,” the friend taunted.
That’s cheating.’ they all said, `You were kept warm by the heat of that candle.’ “That’s ridiculous,” Mullah Nasruddin argued. “How can a candle behind a window warm a person three hundred yards away?” But his friends persisted and didn’t accept his victory.
Ultimately, after some arguments, Nasreddin Hodja gave in. All his protestations were to no avail, and it was decided that Nasruddin Hodja had lost the bet. Hodja accepted the verdict and invited them all for dinner. When the guests arrived at Hodja’s house, food was still being cooked.
They had arrived on time, laughing and joking, anticipating the delicious meal Nasruddin Hodja was going to serve them. But dinner was not yet ready. Hodja told them that it would be ready in a short time, and left the room to check how much more time it would take for the meal to be cooked. A long time passed, and still no dinner was served.
Finally, getting impatient and very hungry, they went into the kitchen to see if there was any food cooking at all. What they saw, they could not believe. Mullah Nasruddin was standing by a huge cauldron, suspended from the ceiling. There was a lighted candle under the cauldron.
“Be patient my friends,” Nasruddin Hodja told them. “Dinner will be ready soon. You see it is cooking.”
“Are you out of your mind, Nasruddin Hodja?” they shouted. “How could you, with such a tiny flame, boil such a large pot?”
“Your ignorance of such matters amuses me,” Nasruddin Hodja said. If the flame of a candle behind a window three hundred yards away can warm a person, surely the same flame will boil this pot which is only three inches away.
Lesson:
An emotionally intelligent or mature person knows how to respond to what life gives them without losing one’s temper or balance of mind. Moreover, it is considered the “gateway to a balanced life” and essential for one’s physical and emotional well being, healthy relationships, conflict resolution and contributes to a person’s success. It helps maintain control, avoid judging or stereotyping the people and situations and thus not making decisions from a place of reaction. And as you choose to learn from criticism rather than becoming defensive or reactive, you grow, mentally as well as spiritually.
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Footnotes:
i) https://davidwhyte.com/pages/consolations
iii) Mullah Naseeruddin by Anand Prasad Joshi (pp. 100)
